Posted......

Separation has brought me to a place far from friends. But the human mind is a real marveling piece of work. God is a genius for having created it.  Ever so easily it adapts to changing environments. I was so sad at being torn away from where my heart lay…. And yet today I can confidently say that that has not left me hurt for long. Loss is a very complicated thing. And the human mind handles it so dexterously that nothing can be more amazing. There may be many kinds of loss but loss of near and dear ones is the worst kind. At this juncture the mind looks for something to fill the void with. It yearns to belong. Sad to say that my mind has not yet been successful in finding that replacement… and I’m suite sure it cannot for the simple fact that this time the void was created by very, very (and a million more very(s)) unique people. But I guess my character will make up for what my mind can’t do. Being a very outgoing and friendly person I am always friends with everyone I see. So there is not going to be any problem making friends and taking my mind of the sadness. But how long can I surround myself with people. There will definitely come a time when I will have no choice but to stare solitude in the eye and at that time I do not know what will become of me.

 

I finished training successfully. That’s bitter sweet because that’s the reason for which I have been posted and put into production but it is also the reason why I must go away. That is also the reason why I feel all this desperation, all this sadness, loneliness, this pain. But I guess life must go on rather the show must go on!! I tread the path that lay before me deliberately because I know of no other path. Given a chance to go to my friends I would grab it the way a grizzly grabs its prey!!

The Pain Of Seperation

The time has come for me to say good bye to those who are nearest to my heart and to those not so near to my heart. Aishu has been posted at Bangalore and Amith at Mangalore. At east they are in the same state. I on the other hand have been tossed to Trivandrum. It is not the fear of going to a new place with new people rather it is the fear of being separated from these two people who have come to mean so much to me in such a short span of time.

 

Aishu in particular is some one who has grown so close to me that it baffles me, someone for whom I care so much. I can’t bear to see that something is bothering her. I’ve been around to take care of her for these 3 months. I guess I’ll just have to resign myself to the fact that someone else will have take over those reins that I used to once hold.

 

Amith is the big baby, the poor guy is ever sick (6ft 2in of sickness). Well built but with a small problem. And that results in pain, unbearable pain. Seeing him hide his pain reminds me of my father. He too tries to hide his pain and suffering from me just as unsuccessfully as Amith does. He too needs someone to take care of him. The poor guy I’ve kind of neglected him from the start. I hope God forgives me for those things that I’ve done.

 

Separating from them to walk my own tread is something that scares me. For, I have been with them all through these 3 months and they have been with me all thru this time. To suddenly walk alone means to feel a void that is very uncomfortable. The pain that I will feel is something that I won’t be able to describe.

 

Tears will flow,

hearts will break

and sadness will prevail

for a long time to come.

 

But time will mend the hearts

and the tears will dry at last

new friends will come my way

but that won’t happen today

new friends will come my way

But won’t be able to fill the void

That you’ve left inside..

 

Not just these two people, there’s my saviour Abhinav Gangwar. Literally GOD in certain ways. Programming seems to be child’s play to him. He seems to be able to wrap hid head around anything that has got to do anything with programming!! A genius in the truest sense!! I will miss him, his pranks, his jokes, mischief, and genius. So many times he has helped me get out of tuff programming situations!! His ways with the computer will be missed!!

 

My dad keeps telling me that parting is part of life and that I must not get too attached to people, otherwise I will hurt like I am doing now! But is it really that easy to not be attached to someone?? I don’t think so!! So I guess I’ll be on my way now!! Hurting like my dad told me I would………..

Going Away!

I’m very sorry I’m hurting you this way

But this to you I must say

For if I don’t I would be doing

The very same wrong for which I’m atoning

 

I don’t deserve the friendship of

A person as good as you are

I am not the right kind of company

I’m not fit to be the friend of any human being

 

I’m the worst kind of friend you can have

The kind that no one should ever have

I hate to look at myself in the mirror

I’m that kind that no one on the earth deserves

For the kind of things I’ve said and done

I should burn in hell, not go to heaven

I hope justice will prevail in the end

When I’m dead and gone

 

I’ve cheated you so much and yet you believe

Each word I say is a lie and yet you trust in me

You deserve so much more and I know that you know so

So I must let you go

And I will do just that, but before I do so

I must say these few words more

 

I’ve lied to you for far too long

I know that I’ve done wrong

So I’m going to make up for my mistakes

Say I’m sorry and just walk away

This must be hurting you but you must know

None of this is your fault, you’ve done nothing wrong

I’m the one to blame here

I hope you understand my dear.

 

I won’t lie to you anymore

This I promise you for sure

I will not cheat you ever again

For you are just too innocent

And to cheat you would be a great sin

The likes of which cannot be forgiven.

 

Take care and good bye

Hope you live a lovely life

With no one to cheat you

With no one to lie to you

With no one like me to hurt you

With someone who deserves you

 

Results!!

Well those set of questions I was talking about in my last blog…. They literally have taken things to a whole new level with this concept of memory testing!! It has come down to the point that 50 multiple choice questions are gonna decide my life’s future!!  Well as far as my test is concerned I did miserably well!! Didn’t expect the test to be quite as tuff as it was!!

 

And it now feels like hard work doesn’t really pay!! I know I cudhave done a lot more hard work than I had but still the amt of work I had done isn’t worth failure!! A scrape thru cud have been more than enuf!! But no!! I had to fail!!

 

I felt bloody pissed off!! Wanted to punch something!! But I guess that doesn’t work with me cuz I ended up writing abt it!! J this seems to be the only other way ( other than punching a wall or something ) that seems to help me vent my anger!!

 

I’m alright now!! Talked to aishu, amith, amma (mom) and dad and all of them gave me ideas on how to deal with the situation and I’m glad that I did talk to them!! It helped!! Lets see what happens next…. Well, gotta go now!! A movie -  “The Italian Job”  beckons!!

Exam time!!

Its that time of my life when a set of multiple choice questions decide whether I am worthy of continuing to work or not!! Life can be so cruel sometimes!!

 

I detest the concept of examination for the simple fact that today’s examinations are strictly memory-centric. There is very little scope for anyone to show one’s talent.

 

Coming to the point of talent, I’m forced to detest today’s academic system also. Why is there no scope for students to pursue their talents in schools? Students should have the opportunity to explore their talents and if possible make a living out of those talents!! The situation has come to such an position that talent is strictly talent and nothing more. It is not an option for a profession.

 

I say, if x has a talent for music, then x should probably concentrate on his/her music, get better at it and make a life out of it!! In all probability X will go on to become great at what he/she does!! Not all can be an engineer or doctor and those aren’t the only professions in the world!!

 

The world throws so many other options at you and yet engineering or medicine seems to be the only ones that are visible? This is gross negligence, short sightedness and ignorance on our part which leads to the world having hoards of people who are in the same profession but have no work, hoards of people who are engineers but who’s have loved to be architects, hoards of doctors who’s have loved to be chefs and businessmen…. The list of woes of such people is never ending!!

 

This is the pitiable state of our people!! And that brings me back to my first statement  “I hate examinations”! I said that because I have one today and its scaring the shit out of me!! I don’t understand how a memory test qualifies me to sit where I am!! But I guess that’s how today’s world is and I guess as long as I live in it I gotta play by its rules!! So gotta rush now!!

 

A set of questions await my answers!!

What You Mean To Me!

 

Let me take u around the world

Show you things you'd love to see

Take you to places of great wonder

And show you what you mean to me

 

There are a million things I wanna say

I've held them inside for so long

It far too hard for me to stay this way

To hide them from you, to me seems wrong

 

So let me take you around the world

Show you things you'd love to see

Take you to places of great wonder

And show you what you mean to me

 

So many thoughts cross my mind

Thinking of you and your cute ways

When I'm with you I lose track of time

Doesn't matter whether its minutes, hours or days.

 

So let me take you around the world

Show you things you'd love to see

Take you to places of great wonder

And show you what you mean to me

 

There's a place where I'd like to take you

It's a place I believe you'd love to see

I know in my heart that its wonderful

This is a place you never knew could be

 

So let me take you around the world

Show you things you'd love to see

Take you to places of great wonder

And show you what you mean to me

 

My heart is waiting for you to stop

Turn around and take a look at me

Tell me whether we're meant to be or not

Tell me true what you are feeling

 

I get this feeling that you're interested

I don't know whether its just me

But I do know that I'll stand corrected

If you're not interested in me

 

So let me take you around the world

Show you things you'd love to see

Take you to places of great wonder

And show you what you mean to me

 

For there may come one day

When I may regret not coming clean

With those feelings I had to say

With those emotions I had to reveal

 

Then I may not be able to show you the world

Or show you things you'd love to see

But I promise you that you'll never have to wonder

Whether you meant anything special to me!

 

 

 

- Abhilash Ram -

- 04:30 hrs, Wednesday, October 11, 2006 -

Long time no write!!

Its been a long time since I came in here!! Not that I didn’t have anything to wrote about, jus that I didn’t have the time for it!! I know!! I know what u’r thinking!! If one wants to do something one can always make time for it!! But this is a genuine case of no time!! I jus got this job and stuff! I’m right now employed as software engineer!

 

That’s the happy part!! The sad part tho’ is that life is jus not what I’d imagined it wud be!! Work is interesting but how long will you remain a student and fear being reprimanded for your slightest mistake!! I know that a working man is supposed to carry himself with dignity and all that shit but then there’ s a limit to everything!! Sometimes the rules jus get too close to pushing u that li’l bit too hard that sets u off!! It’s all hunky dory until then and after that its all messy and gory!! But then that’s life eh!! Got no choice to live it as it happens!!

 

And then there are the tests…. The tests that threaten to turn u into something other than human!! Sleep becomes a concept to you!! It gets to the extent where u might end up needing someone to teach you how to sleep!! U start talking like a computer program!! U’ll lose track of common sense and jus like some one once upon time said, “common sense really will become not so common”!!

 

Well gotta rush now!! Got a test tomorrow!! I guess today is one more of those days when I’m gonna be leading a sleepless night cuz I sure as hell wanna keep my job!!

 

Cya!

ANGER Quelled by a Dear Dear Friend!!

ANGER is always only an alphabet - "D" away from DANGER, so saying a very very dear friend of mine advised me to divert my anger toward more positive causes. She actually sat and listened to me for more than a couple of hours, as i went on and on about my problems, my sadness, my anger and everything else. I feel so indebted to her. The calmness and the intent with which she listened to me was, and will always be amazing to me. such sincerity i have not seen in anyone.

Its almost as if GOD had sent her in HIS place to solve my problems. She was not a very big part of my life until today. but today she is the the biggest part of my life second only to Hari. Having extended her hand in help to me today she has become the second closest person to me. until there was only Hari who know everything about me. toay someone else has joined that list. I always did like her but never knew that she would one day become so close to me to actually know as much about me as she does today!!

well, all of it i attribute to GOD. If not for HIM none of this would happen. also i must thank IT, for without the problem that IT caused my life wouldnt have changed as it has today!! Indirectly IT too is responsible for this situation. but that doesnt mean that IT deserves a thank you from me!!

The thing is I hold very few people close to my heart and i try my best to keep them that way. but when someone comes in the middle and causes trouble, u know disturbs the peace, i lose it and if i start retaliating it starts looking very bad and that i would love to avoid!! and the day i say "no, i dont want to be your friend", thats when i really have actually severed all emotional ties with the concerned person and IT has taken things to that extent where i have said "no".

and now the very sight of IT causes me to get very upset. but thanx to my dear friend, i have today been able to decide on a course of action to remedy the situation. she so nicely put if to me that i need to do what my instinct tells me to do, because, according to her, when u think about such problems you only tend to get more upset and that clouds the ability to think and make the right decision. so she asked me not to think abt the problem and do what i feel like the doing themoment i start thinking about IT.

and that my friends, is one of the most profound pieces of advice i've evry received. she's wise beyond her years!! she truly is!! i thank GOD for having sent me such an understanding and gr8 frind such as her!! i am forever in her Debt and in GOD's debt!!

How angry is really angry??

These past few days have been very tough on me. And it has brought about a marked change in my behaviour. it's made me frustrated, angry, sad, and many other things. i'm a bloody soup of emotions right now. and until now, i used to think it was jus work pressure, but i guess i've found out the exact reason. i hadnt known until now, but i think i know the reason for my current situation. and i sure as hell am going to obliterate it. run it into the ground and destroy it, strip it atom from atom.

Man am i angry right now, it makes my blood boil and my knuckels go white when i think of it. it will see its end soo and that it can be sure of. that lying face, those deceitful eyes, that calculated mind and that sneaky tongue, all of them they will pay and they will pay dearly!

I do not wish to reveal what the problem is. and hence i will refer to it as "the problem" or "IT". My problem is that i am a very insecure person when it comes to my friends. as otherwise i'm alright. i have this constant fear of losing my precious friends. i know it sounds stupid but thats the truth. and when something causes me to start feeling insecure that when i start feeling like i have to do something and make things alright.

the sad part is that i actually had some thing to do with the social life of IT. IT never had a social life until IT met me. and after all this time IT has had the audacity to actually come up to me and do stuff that IT knows as well as i that i hate.

and the more irritating part is the fact that IT is safe from all sides, rather IT has such a calculative mind that IT makes sure it is safe from all sides. There is nothing i can do to hurt IT and that makes me even more mad. But there is only so much you can do and only so much u can say.

so i'm gonna take things to a different level now. a level that IT will not be able to understand or do anything in. There are somany things that IT is doing everyday that is making me more and more angry. I do not know when it will be the day that i burtst. and i pray to GOD that things change before i do, for i do not know what i will unleash upon IT once that happens. i know that this sounds really FILMY, but only ppl who really know me can really guage the depth of what i'm saying here!

It had the nerve to put me in a spot, that is something that i do NOT relish at all. and IT will pay through its noise for what it has done to me!

i donot wish to go on and on saying the same things i have been saying in above paragraphs, but this was the only way i could actually vent a bit of my anger other than punching a wall or door or something.

New to Blogging!!

Hey there,

I'm Abhilash, and i'm new to blogging. hope my mistakes are forgiven by those who read my blogs (assuming that they will be read!!) and especially by those readers who may be experienced bloggers.

I think anything u wanna know abt me u'll be able to get from my profile. what ever else u wanna know, plz feel free to ask me. my mail address is singer21185@yahoo.com

interests include, writing, singing, music, movies, basketball, badminton, and the list is looooooooooooonnnnnnnnnng....................

this is one of my first blogs. i'm also experimenting with it on other places like msn spaces and hope to start on yahoo 360 and other places, and then later settle down to one place. one place i find comfortable and convenient.

hoping to settle down here, though msn seems more user friendly and convenient. it'll take time to decide on a permanent place.