The Pain Of Seperation

The time has come for me to say good bye to those who are nearest to my heart and to those not so near to my heart. Aishu has been posted at Bangalore and Amith at Mangalore. At east they are in the same state. I on the other hand have been tossed to Trivandrum. It is not the fear of going to a new place with new people rather it is the fear of being separated from these two people who have come to mean so much to me in such a short span of time.

 

Aishu in particular is some one who has grown so close to me that it baffles me, someone for whom I care so much. I can’t bear to see that something is bothering her. I’ve been around to take care of her for these 3 months. I guess I’ll just have to resign myself to the fact that someone else will have take over those reins that I used to once hold.

 

Amith is the big baby, the poor guy is ever sick (6ft 2in of sickness). Well built but with a small problem. And that results in pain, unbearable pain. Seeing him hide his pain reminds me of my father. He too tries to hide his pain and suffering from me just as unsuccessfully as Amith does. He too needs someone to take care of him. The poor guy I’ve kind of neglected him from the start. I hope God forgives me for those things that I’ve done.

 

Separating from them to walk my own tread is something that scares me. For, I have been with them all through these 3 months and they have been with me all thru this time. To suddenly walk alone means to feel a void that is very uncomfortable. The pain that I will feel is something that I won’t be able to describe.

 

Tears will flow,

hearts will break

and sadness will prevail

for a long time to come.

 

But time will mend the hearts

and the tears will dry at last

new friends will come my way

but that won’t happen today

new friends will come my way

But won’t be able to fill the void

That you’ve left inside..

 

Not just these two people, there’s my saviour Abhinav Gangwar. Literally GOD in certain ways. Programming seems to be child’s play to him. He seems to be able to wrap hid head around anything that has got to do anything with programming!! A genius in the truest sense!! I will miss him, his pranks, his jokes, mischief, and genius. So many times he has helped me get out of tuff programming situations!! His ways with the computer will be missed!!

 

My dad keeps telling me that parting is part of life and that I must not get too attached to people, otherwise I will hurt like I am doing now! But is it really that easy to not be attached to someone?? I don’t think so!! So I guess I’ll be on my way now!! Hurting like my dad told me I would………..

Going Away!

I’m very sorry I’m hurting you this way

But this to you I must say

For if I don’t I would be doing

The very same wrong for which I’m atoning

 

I don’t deserve the friendship of

A person as good as you are

I am not the right kind of company

I’m not fit to be the friend of any human being

 

I’m the worst kind of friend you can have

The kind that no one should ever have

I hate to look at myself in the mirror

I’m that kind that no one on the earth deserves

For the kind of things I’ve said and done

I should burn in hell, not go to heaven

I hope justice will prevail in the end

When I’m dead and gone

 

I’ve cheated you so much and yet you believe

Each word I say is a lie and yet you trust in me

You deserve so much more and I know that you know so

So I must let you go

And I will do just that, but before I do so

I must say these few words more

 

I’ve lied to you for far too long

I know that I’ve done wrong

So I’m going to make up for my mistakes

Say I’m sorry and just walk away

This must be hurting you but you must know

None of this is your fault, you’ve done nothing wrong

I’m the one to blame here

I hope you understand my dear.

 

I won’t lie to you anymore

This I promise you for sure

I will not cheat you ever again

For you are just too innocent

And to cheat you would be a great sin

The likes of which cannot be forgiven.

 

Take care and good bye

Hope you live a lovely life

With no one to cheat you

With no one to lie to you

With no one like me to hurt you

With someone who deserves you

 

Results!!

Well those set of questions I was talking about in my last blog…. They literally have taken things to a whole new level with this concept of memory testing!! It has come down to the point that 50 multiple choice questions are gonna decide my life’s future!!  Well as far as my test is concerned I did miserably well!! Didn’t expect the test to be quite as tuff as it was!!

 

And it now feels like hard work doesn’t really pay!! I know I cudhave done a lot more hard work than I had but still the amt of work I had done isn’t worth failure!! A scrape thru cud have been more than enuf!! But no!! I had to fail!!

 

I felt bloody pissed off!! Wanted to punch something!! But I guess that doesn’t work with me cuz I ended up writing abt it!! J this seems to be the only other way ( other than punching a wall or something ) that seems to help me vent my anger!!

 

I’m alright now!! Talked to aishu, amith, amma (mom) and dad and all of them gave me ideas on how to deal with the situation and I’m glad that I did talk to them!! It helped!! Lets see what happens next…. Well, gotta go now!! A movie -  “The Italian Job”  beckons!!

Exam time!!

Its that time of my life when a set of multiple choice questions decide whether I am worthy of continuing to work or not!! Life can be so cruel sometimes!!

 

I detest the concept of examination for the simple fact that today’s examinations are strictly memory-centric. There is very little scope for anyone to show one’s talent.

 

Coming to the point of talent, I’m forced to detest today’s academic system also. Why is there no scope for students to pursue their talents in schools? Students should have the opportunity to explore their talents and if possible make a living out of those talents!! The situation has come to such an position that talent is strictly talent and nothing more. It is not an option for a profession.

 

I say, if x has a talent for music, then x should probably concentrate on his/her music, get better at it and make a life out of it!! In all probability X will go on to become great at what he/she does!! Not all can be an engineer or doctor and those aren’t the only professions in the world!!

 

The world throws so many other options at you and yet engineering or medicine seems to be the only ones that are visible? This is gross negligence, short sightedness and ignorance on our part which leads to the world having hoards of people who are in the same profession but have no work, hoards of people who are engineers but who’s have loved to be architects, hoards of doctors who’s have loved to be chefs and businessmen…. The list of woes of such people is never ending!!

 

This is the pitiable state of our people!! And that brings me back to my first statement  “I hate examinations”! I said that because I have one today and its scaring the shit out of me!! I don’t understand how a memory test qualifies me to sit where I am!! But I guess that’s how today’s world is and I guess as long as I live in it I gotta play by its rules!! So gotta rush now!!

 

A set of questions await my answers!!

What You Mean To Me!

 

Let me take u around the world

Show you things you'd love to see

Take you to places of great wonder

And show you what you mean to me

 

There are a million things I wanna say

I've held them inside for so long

It far too hard for me to stay this way

To hide them from you, to me seems wrong

 

So let me take you around the world

Show you things you'd love to see

Take you to places of great wonder

And show you what you mean to me

 

So many thoughts cross my mind

Thinking of you and your cute ways

When I'm with you I lose track of time

Doesn't matter whether its minutes, hours or days.

 

So let me take you around the world

Show you things you'd love to see

Take you to places of great wonder

And show you what you mean to me

 

There's a place where I'd like to take you

It's a place I believe you'd love to see

I know in my heart that its wonderful

This is a place you never knew could be

 

So let me take you around the world

Show you things you'd love to see

Take you to places of great wonder

And show you what you mean to me

 

My heart is waiting for you to stop

Turn around and take a look at me

Tell me whether we're meant to be or not

Tell me true what you are feeling

 

I get this feeling that you're interested

I don't know whether its just me

But I do know that I'll stand corrected

If you're not interested in me

 

So let me take you around the world

Show you things you'd love to see

Take you to places of great wonder

And show you what you mean to me

 

For there may come one day

When I may regret not coming clean

With those feelings I had to say

With those emotions I had to reveal

 

Then I may not be able to show you the world

Or show you things you'd love to see

But I promise you that you'll never have to wonder

Whether you meant anything special to me!

 

 

 

- Abhilash Ram -

- 04:30 hrs, Wednesday, October 11, 2006 -

Long time no write!!

Its been a long time since I came in here!! Not that I didn’t have anything to wrote about, jus that I didn’t have the time for it!! I know!! I know what u’r thinking!! If one wants to do something one can always make time for it!! But this is a genuine case of no time!! I jus got this job and stuff! I’m right now employed as software engineer!

 

That’s the happy part!! The sad part tho’ is that life is jus not what I’d imagined it wud be!! Work is interesting but how long will you remain a student and fear being reprimanded for your slightest mistake!! I know that a working man is supposed to carry himself with dignity and all that shit but then there’ s a limit to everything!! Sometimes the rules jus get too close to pushing u that li’l bit too hard that sets u off!! It’s all hunky dory until then and after that its all messy and gory!! But then that’s life eh!! Got no choice to live it as it happens!!

 

And then there are the tests…. The tests that threaten to turn u into something other than human!! Sleep becomes a concept to you!! It gets to the extent where u might end up needing someone to teach you how to sleep!! U start talking like a computer program!! U’ll lose track of common sense and jus like some one once upon time said, “common sense really will become not so common”!!

 

Well gotta rush now!! Got a test tomorrow!! I guess today is one more of those days when I’m gonna be leading a sleepless night cuz I sure as hell wanna keep my job!!

 

Cya!