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well.... its been ages since I last came to this place.... I literally have had to remove the cobWEBS off of this page to see what's happened. Guess what? lo and behold nothing has happened. Its still here just the way I'd left it.... I don't know what I was expecting though! :P
anyway coming back "BLOGGING"... Chalmers is a nice university and Göteborg is a nice city. I'm experiencing many new things and its all wonderful to savour! Makes me want to believe once again that life is never going to be boring and that everyday will be a great and awesome day! CIRC is the BEST committee to be in. I'm going to be Phadder manager and I will get to recruit Phadders who in turn will help the new students with a lot of things ranging from showing them around the city to taking them to the tax office! :D
I guess I'm going to touch many people's lives! ;)
It is a joy to Give. One must Give all one can and expect nothing in return... these and more are statements made by many a spiritual leader, religious text and every other preacher or teacher. If it is really a joy to give then why do we count our money before we donate? why do we select the items to give away?? Why dont we give in abundance? why do we cringe at the thought of having to part with something?
During my weekly visit to the temple the other day, i saw a child, barely old enough to speak, she very authoritatively asked her mother for money to drop into the donation box.... It was a beautiful sight to behlod.. the joy the child felt in giving.... thats the joy all these folks are talking about.... the smile on that childs face was something you dont get to see very often.... she didnt know how much she was giving and she didnt need to either .... all she wanted to do was to give... whether it was 1 rupee or a 100 it wouldnt have made a difference... wheras the mother who was handing the kid the money seemed a li'l displeased, hiding her displeasure probably fearing GOD!
I guess about 20 years from now that very same kid would be in a similar position as the mother was that day... and i believe that the world in all its glory will be solely responsible for having sprayed its paint of vile, vain, and veiled interests upon her clean and pure mind turning her into a worldly child, rather than a child of the world.
I guess we all have a lesson to learn here..... giving apparently is not about the joy we expect to experience in having given .... its rather about the joy of having given joyously!! Lets give and let joy find us ....
 …… and we are never ever the same…. And that’s what makes us human! Because We change, We adapt, We assimilate and We survive all that happens to us only to emerge stronger and more powerful than we ever were before!! The best thing about being human is that we have survived longer than any species on this planet simply by our will to change! And when the factors that change us, whatever they may be – Man, Nature or Machine, change us…. we just walk on ahead like nothing happened… picking up the pieces and moving on toward a tomorrow on a boat called HOPE and a train called Faith!
I have nothing to lose because I have gained nothing that I can lose! All I have gained is already a part of me and no one can take me away from me! I firmly believe that - What doesn’t kill me has always left me stronger and will always leave me stronger and I believe it is time for the one reading this to start believing too!!
For the greater part of my life I’d been around my parents and friends. I’d never really had the chance of being on my own. Attended school travelling from home ‘cause it was close by and the same went for college as well…. So when I got my first job, it was my first shot at living on my own and oddly to my surprise I was not at all sad about the long periods of time I’d have to spend far away from home and all of those places and people I knew and who knew me. The workplace brought with it many new things - people from various parts of the country, different languages, tastes, schools of thought, view points, concepts and perceptions, and a host of other things and in the middle of it all I made a whole lot of friends, had a lot of fun and enjoyed life to the hilt. Then a day came which brought with it feelings of being numb & sad and pangs of heartache and waves of pain, training had come to an end and it was time for us to take up our positions at our assigned places of posting and that was the first time I felt emotions seething in me. Rivers of tears flowed and joined seas of frustration at being unable to do anything about being posted in different locations. Slowly and steadily, that hurt and broken heart learnt to let go and those chapped and drooping lips learnt to smile. The new place brought with it, like some time back, a bunch of new people and a gamut of new experiences and a heart that once swore not to grow emotionally attached to anybody/thing found itself getting entangled in a web of love and laughter. There are categories of people in one’s life that seldom have occupants – “TRUE Friends”, “TRUE Love” etc. And when you begin finding people you can add into those groups it is an amazing feeling. One feels like one has a meaning to one’s life, like there is a value to one’s existence. One begins living and stops existing. And then as one begins to savor the moment, history, as cruel as it is, snatches it away and repeats itself. Yet again my heart endures pains and agonies, once long forgotten, with time raking up old wounds. I realize that I truly miss those who miss me and that I really did have people, whom I could call TRUE Friends who TRULY Love me. Each day seems either as boring as a task that has to be done or like an ordeal which one must endure. It is true that life is a learning experience, in that it changes a person over its entire course. A person is like a rock on the river bed. At first it may be coarse and rough with rugged edges and being jaggedly shaped but with time the river smoothens the rock and turns it into a beautiful round pebble. The river of experiences a person experiences throughout his life change him and so have these experiences in my life. From being a completely, in my own words, “Hard Hearted” person to being a person who cries and laughs and gets angry, I have changed and I have surprised myself with these changes in me. I’m always in awe of how time and life have their way with people and the way which the human being in us learns to make the right choice. At the end of it all it all, it ironically sounds like those lines from a Limp Bizkit song – “Life is a lesson, you learn it when you’re through!”
I think, I think and I end up thinking so much that I end up with a head ache.... But in the process of all that thinking I’ve realized one very important thing and that is that, all that thinking never got me anywhere.... The moral of the story my friends, is to stop thinking beyond the point of necessity and to plunge oneself into action... That is the trait that one must inculcate... The fact of the matter is that most of us come from families that are not so well endowed and time is a luxury we do not really enjoy.... In saying so, I mean that we have little time to think and event lesser time to act. To act is imperative for us, if not to make it BIG, at least for us to stay afloat in the sea of humanity where there will be tides and waves of competition that our peers will form a part of..... In having written about this I must also make it a point to point out the importance of emotions and of being human in our pursuits…. We may want big cars and palatial homes but do we really need them? Are these the things that we really yearn for in our lives? Are those the real goals behind our enormous and often inhuman efforts? Aren’t we more really looking for that special someone, that li’l piece of joy that we find when a kid laughs, that smile we find ourselves smiling when we see a puppy, that nice feeling that we get in our gut when we see a baby smile? Aren’t they the real treasures we are looking for? We may not want to admit it but the answer to these and a lot many more such questions is “YES”… No matter how hardened or “evil” a man or woman we might be the real answer to that question is a definite and resounding yes. We all have our dark sides, and I’d like to quote Abraham Lincoln - "It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues." The quote doesn’t tell us that we can be as evil as we want because the more the evil we are the more virtues we have. No! It tells us that it is alright for us to have our faults. That’s what makes us human. And that being human we can make an effort to right the wrongs of our past and that’s what distinguishes us from the rest of the creatures of this planet. The ability to repent, to want to make up for our wrongs and to be able to find ways to do exactly that, that’s what it really means to be human. We all want to make our lives grand and be successful and we’d like to think that we’d do it at any cost, but “any cost” is not “really any cost”. If it were so then we’d have more criminals on this planet than good people. We must learn to subscribe to the good nature of the human mind. In Hindu mythology there is a story of an incident where the Demons declared war on the Gods and all of the Gods fled in fear. It is said they hid in the hearts of the human beings. And we today go out in search of the Gods when all we need to do is look inside ourselves. The point being that we all have “Good” in ourselves it is just that some of us expose it more than some others might. All said and done we are in the end the same – a heart, a mind and a soul. So when we act let’s not act blindly, like has been already stated, enough thought must be applied (just enough) before we act so as to keep not only our emotional balance and our “humanness” intact but also to make sure that we do not hurt someone else. Nonetheless, ACT we must!
 The last post was a forward that I received…. The funny thing about it is that though I’ve seen it before, it didn’t make the kind of sense it did when I read it this time!! Funny how time changes perspective! All my posts on depression and sadness and all the negative emotions running through a few of my posts, I realize were written by a mind which was a slave to the devil!! I guess it is time for me to move on!! Look at the light in front of me rather than the darkness behind me!! Its time for me to realize that I can do good and be good if I think good and feel good!! So I guess now that I have found answers to a few of the questions that have been running mad in my head, it is the right time for me to turn a new leaf…. Live life the way I should!! My heart feels so light now like, all the burdens in the world that I used to think rested on my shoulders, have been lifted off of me. Thank You GOD!
 There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play without in the woods. He practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck. Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head, and killed it. He was shocked and grieved. In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile, only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing. After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes." But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen." Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes. Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper." Sally just smiled and said," Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help." She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help. After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's he finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck. Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug, and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing. But because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you." Thought for the day and every day thereafter: Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done -- and the devil keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, debt, fear, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.) whatever it is, you need to know that God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing, He has seen your whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven. He's just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you. The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness, He not only forgives you, but He forgets -
It is by God's Grace and Mercy that we are saved. God is at the window!
Buddhism is understood, interpreted and practised in different ways by its practitioners, preachers, scholars and thinkers ever since the Mahaparinirvana of the Lord Buddha and it continues to inspire the present and future generations of scholars to study it further to discover its relevance to their respective times. Siddhartha Gautama, who lived and interacted with the great scholars, yogic practitioners and the lay people alike some two thousand and five hundred years ago, is still revered and adored as a Great Master. Satisfying the modern parameters of history writing, Siddhartha stands as one of the earliest historically known spiritual personalities and the most illustrious path finders from among many great saints and masters who traversed the land of Bharat, i.e. India, and beyond from times immemorial. The Buddha showed to the world an alternate path to Salvation with his own pursuance and realization. He set aside the reigning notion that an intense study of the Vedas followed by severe practices and elaborate rituals were essential prerequisites to attain Liberation, the ultimate goal of human life. Further, he did not appreciate the mediation of a god or a guru on the path of Liberation, i.e. freedom from sorrow. He maintained that one could rely on oneself to get enlightened. He declined to comment on the concepts like soul, Supreme Soul, as he found the discussion irrelevant for a real seeker of Truth. He maintained that the consciousness of 'being' wholly rests on one's desires and the efforts for their fulfillment. The state of desirelessness amounts to the cessation of that conscious existence, i.e., Mahaparinirvana, an unqualified state in the Upanishadic sense. Fulfillment of desire is inbuilt in the nature of this Universe. Therefore, one has to live or take another birth if warranted for the realisation of his sankalpa or fulfilment of his desire. Paradoxically, even the state of desirelessness can be achieved only by having a strong and unswerving desire for it. For that matter any thing can be achieved including an honorable acquittal from this world, whatever name one might give it: enlightenment or final deliverance, nirvana or moksha by having a strong desire for it. Our ancient knowledge identified three major factors for the fulfillment of one's desires, namely, a strong will or desire for it, technical know-how to go about it and action-oriented pursuance. The Buddha gave a rational explanation to the very existence of this Phenomenon applying the principle of causation. He found the world full of sorrow, for even the apparent joy and happiness of an individual is temporary soon paving way for disillusionment and sorrow. Painstaking efforts and a long wait laden with anxiety and worries precede the fulfillment of a desire. Even the course of enjoyment is wrought with the fear of losing it at any time. Of course the end of this phase leads one to sorrow. Thus, it becomes clear that desire causes sorrow, to end which one should practice restraint through dharmic living. Leading an honest and simple life, practicing truth and non-violence in thought, word and deed, and with uno animo approach, one can attain the Enlightenment, which is the final goal of human life. The right knowledge of Dharma develops in one the right attitude to life i.e. 'jnana' as described by the ancient scriptures. True to his name, Siddhartha was already a contented man in his worldly life. He did not leave his princely life to add something more to it, nor did he have any complaint against it. He set out on the great mission of inquiry to find the root cause of sorrow that engulfed all the living beings. Immortality is attained only through such sacrifice. Siddhartha renounced his worldly life for a universal cause, as if to prove the Vedic dictum that it is neither the sacrifice of one's family nor wealth nor ritualistic practices that would ensure one immortality but it is sacrifice alone. After that he never looked back. That was Mahabhinishkramana. Such disentanglement with the world i.e.,vairagya is identified as the penultimate stage on the path of Jnana by our ancients. To pursue a strong desire, kama, to fruition with great perseverance needs enough courage known as kshatram. Siddhartha was a noble kshatriya by quality. By then he had already achieved the dharma, artha and kama, the three purusharthas prescribed for attaining moksha, the finale, as described in the general parlance of the tradition. But, Siddhartha, instead of seeking moksha for himself, had laid a path for others to tread with ease. His path was a via media between the severe austerities and living in ease and comfort following a ritualistic religion. No formal education or training was necessary for taking his path. The only qualification needed was to have a strong resolve to take refuge in the Teachings of the Buddha, in the Order of the Monks, the Sangha and follow the prescribed Code of Conduct, the Dhamma. Thus the aspirants of jnana were freed from the burden of scriptural studies, ritualistic practices such as yajna and severe austerities, which marginalized the common man. The Buddha had once again brought both the piety and the laity under his umbrella, the chatra. His path was, thus, inclusive of all classes of people. It was not marked by any exclusivity. His personality was such that he was loved by all and despised by none interested in spiritual progress and the general well being of the society. The Buddha addressed all sections of population irrespective of class, creed, gender, occupation or age. He welcomed all of them to his fold irrespective of their socio-economic, intellectual, ethical and moral background. His main contention was that everyone whether born high or low, rich or poor has a birthright to attain Enlightenment and so, the real seeker should not be prevented on any plea. Those who follow his Eight-fold Path in their normal worldly life would gradually develop the right attitude to the world and eventually renounce the world and attain nirvana. Those who could renounce the world straight away joined the Sangha and dedicated their remaining life to the service of the fellow beings. The principles of life He taught are pragmatic, neither rigid nor flexible. He struck a balance between the two extremes. Therefore, He was acceptable to all. The principles like non-violence and truth; qualities like compassion, honesty, charity and humility and attitudes like selflessness, non-attachment and courage have been the part and parcel of the Indian philosophy since our remotest past, which have been reiterated time and again by great sages and men. The Buddha added His flavor to them and demonstrated them through His personal life. The most venerable Buddhist spiritual leader Dalailama rightly says: " The Hindus and the Buddhists, we are two sons of the same mother." The very sight of the Buddha's noble personality disarmed even His fiercest opponents and critics in no time. The kings, the queens, the rich, the mendicants, great scholars, and the serious practitioners of Brahmincal rituals, cruel robbers, women of easy virtue – all fell at His feet and sought His Grace. He did not preach any religion. 'He taught us how to live and to leave in simple words', says Sathguru Sivananda Murty (Guruji) to whom I owe my understanding of the Buddha - his life and teachings. He opines, if there is any philosophy that could be acceptable to all the existing religions in the world without any grudge or prejudice, it is the Buddha Dhamma. The sixth century before Christ was intellectually a vibrant period through out the civilized world. Confucius and Lao Tse in China, Socrates in Greece, and the Mahavira and the Buddha in India led radical social movements. Buddhist and Jain philosophies had not only addressed social issues but also suggested paths to reach the Ultimate. Of these two, Buddha's liberal approach had a greater appeal to all sections of people cutting across all political and geographical barriers. That is why the Dhamma could spread far and wide across the civilized world much before Christ was born. The Dhamma depicting the finer human values also appealed to the rational mind. Therefore, the Dhamma has universal applicability and relevance to all times and more so, the modern times of stress, strain and strife due to degradation of human element in man. The original teachings of any great Master are always simple and straight. But with succeeding generations, many developments take place by way of commentaries through intellectual discourses and exercises. In a fond attempt to make the original teachings simpler to understand and to bring out its significance, the commentators make the philosophy more complicated and difficult. Therefore, Guruji advises that one should read the original works before one looks into the commentaries. These intellectual exercises result in proposing diverse approaches from the same platform. These new branches in course of time grow into full-fledged religions like a plant grows into a tree spreading around its branches also forming new stems. This does not mean that the branches are different from the original plant. They are the extensions of the same tree. This out look would promote democratic spirit and tolerance to pursue the goal unconcerned with the diversity in their approaches. Guruji aptly says that the Sanathana Dharma is the basis of all religions that sprang up in India. The Buddha's teachings are no exception. Y. Sudershan Rao 12 Mar 2007 Formerly Dean, Faculty of Social Sciences and Professor of History, Kakatiya University, Warangal, A.P. Former Member, Indian Council of Historical Research, New Delhi (2000-2002). UGC National Fellow (1992-94). ysudershanrao@ yahoo.com
The birth of a human being is a miracle. It signifies the beginning of a story. A story of love, strength, flaws, wars, agony, joy and so many more things. It is also a sign that the soul inside the body of the new born had done something in it's past life to merit a chance to redeem itself of the vicious circle of birth and death. It is an opportunity to right the wrongs of all its previous births, for only a human has the ability to think for himself and hence has the power of choice, the power of decision. In this Kali-Yuga, the human is expected to lead a spiritual life in order to redeem himself and hence find salvation. For, the ultimate aim of every living being is to attain enlightenment and therefore realize the Parama-Sathya or Ultimate Truth - there is no body, only soul and that soul (Param- Atma) is one and the same as God, the Ultimate Being – Param – Atma. The day he realizes this, he will find liberation from all worldly problems and find himself at peace with, and one with the universe.
A spiritual life does not necessarily mean the life of an ascetic. Unlike in the previous yugas, as explained in the prelude to the Bhagawad Gita by Saint Narada, in the Kali Yuga, man need only be devoted to GOD to redeem himself. Devotion is more than enough to attain salvation and the highest form of devotion is chanting the name of the Almighty. The simplest and yet the highest form of devotion is indeed - JAPA. Chanting the name of the lord continuously with the deepest of concentration that one can muster is the best and easiest way to absolve oneself of all one’s sins and attain enlightenment.
There will, as always, be hurdles in the path that will lead one to the ultimate goal. But these goals are not to deter one rather to toughen oneself. The hurdles must be looked upon as learning experiences and strength must be drawn from the experiences that one obtains through ones travails. This and only this will serve to make one worthy of enlightenment. Clarity of thought, Serenity and Concentration alone can take one to the heights of self realization. For, without self realization there is no redemption.
Spirituality is not the effect and result of faith, belief and perseverance rather it is something that every human being is born with. Each human being is born into this world with a clean slate. He does not know any thing good or bad. And it is the environment in which the child grows that determines what kind of personality he begets. No child is born evil, neither is it born good. It is man’s misconception that a baby is born good just because it is not evil. The child assimilates its surroundings and that translates into the child’s conceptions of good and bad. Here begins the child’s journey of morality and hence spirituality. But it is next to impossible that the child will not come across what every human being comes across in his life. And that may include good and bad experiences. It is the values that have been instilled in him and the strength and conviction with which he holds and practices those values which will decide the road he will travel. If those values are strong enough he will learn from his mistakes and also learn not to make those mistakes again, also he will learn from his experiences and take them positively and use his experience to his benefit. If otherwise then he will turn into a man who has lost all morality and ability to see light in life. Spirituality is the lamp that lights our way back to our father in heaven. Spirituality is the light at the end of the tunnel, the long tunnel that we all must walk through in order for us to get to our real destination. And those who tire of keeping to the straight narrow path that will lead us to it will stray away and end up in places that they didn’t necessarily want to end up in, places that aren’t our real destination. Spirituality is like a locker, an electronic safe if you will. Just as a locker holds inside it something precious, which will be revealed only if you open it, so too spirituality holds inside it a very great treasure. And just like the locker is very tough to open so too spirituality does not open easily. It will take a lot of hard work to obtain the treasure that spirituality has to offer. And the treasure is nothing but the deliverance of our souls from this monotonous cycle of birth and death.
 Today a group of so called beings of a higher consciousness ended the tale of a seeming dangerous being of a not so great intelligence. The Reason being a perceived threat and a probable trespassing of “borders of personal space”! The fact that humans are scared of beings of the animal world especially those that do not belong to the domesticated kind is something highly inexplicable!! For some reason, the only solution to this fear is either the imprisonment or death of the being in question. It is understandable that killing is necessary where one’s own life is faced with the danger of death. But why in other times? My fundamental reason for thought on this matter is as follows. Man was either created or had evolved from a more primeval animal. Lets take the first case now. Here Man was created but only after the creation of animals. In which case it is we who are trespassing on land they once freely roamed!! They did not have a problem with it but soon enough we did!! We created fences, walls and borders!! And today we not only kill those beings who accepted us with open arms but our own neighbours too!! In the second case we have the theory that man evolved a more primeval being!! Whatever that may be, we still have evolved from a being that previously existed and we came into existence only after so many hundred other animals had evolved, which again leads us to the same explanation I used in the first case!! Either way we are doing wrong!! How is it possible for mankind to believe that killing is the only solution to the fear?? If that was true then we would end up killing everybody but ourselves!! Fear is an integral part of being human!! It’s what keeps us alive!! But taking that fear to a state of paranoia is what is wrong!! Just because there is no law against killing animals, does it mean that we as supposed beings of a higher conscience have the power to decide who lives and who doesn’t? It is not like the presence of a law against killing humans has stopped us from killing them!! So then what is the point of calling ourselves Human Beings? The term “Human Beings” is very akin to and is probably derived from the term “Humane Beings” meaning beings of a more calm and peaceful nature! It is common knowledge that beings of a higher collective knowledge are supposed to be peaceful and harmony oriented!! Not Piece Full and Harm Only Oriented!! Why cant man co-exist with nature? Why must he fight it when nature is where he comes from? He is after all Her child!! I guess this behaviour of man kind can be compared to a human life as such!! First as babies we are dependent on our mother and then as we grow into adolescents we find everything that our mother says wrong!! And then we rebel!! I guess Mankind is in its adolescent stage!! And by the time when it reaches adulthood, most probably it would be too late to change the past and too far down the lane to shape the future!! Lets jus pray that mankind realizes where it is heading and that the direction it is running is one in which there is a train coming at it at full speed. Lets pray that man will try to become more mature about his attitude toward the world and mother nature!! And last but never the least let us this time stop praying and start doing!! It is high time we stood up and took the reigns of this chariot and turned it around to the direction of world peace and harmony… the direction of a new War-Free, Educated, Healthy world, both with respect to Us and with respect to Mother Nature!!
4 months ago I was a fresher…. Just out of college, a job at one the most prestigious firms in the country in hand, head held high and feeling like I could conquer the world at whim…. Today, 4 months later I am still on BENCH. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term BENCH, it is defined as a situation in a firm where in an employee is paid his salary for no work done, as in the employee is not assigned a project or any sort of work but he makes the same money that any working member of the firm does. Now this situation is fun for sometime…. Anybody would love to make money sitting on their ass for sometime. But sooner or later any self valuing human being with even an ounce of conscience and self worth will start feeling the pinch and sting of the situation….. It starts eating u from inside….. Your conscience just will not let u sleep peacefully…… Every morsel of food you eat is of, in one way, dishonest means. Every luxury you afford yourself is, in one way, of wrong earnings. Slowly depression takes you over and then everything around you starts jeering at your situation and slowly madness replaces depression….. The BENCH is the death sentence that the court did not rule and the president cannot pardon…
 Looking at myself in the mirror I see what happens to be God’s error He put me on earth by mistake When He should have had me put away My mouth ought to be gagged and my hands bound For wherever I am pain and sorrow are around They keep me company wherever I may be Making me afraid of myself, I’m scared of me I fear the thought of getting close to someone Fear the wounds I might inflict, they cannot be undone I am a threat to society and unto myself Have me locked away, somebody throw me in a cell I am unworthy of being alive, of human compassion I need to be put in solitary confinement, kept in isolation I’m a victim of my own mind, my own psyche There’s nothing you can do now that can save me Do I have a split personality? Why do I feel remorse today? This is not me, because this is jus not my way I’m a beast, a being of negativity Grief is all I am capable of giving Something seems to have taken over me now I am feeling sorry for the things I have done, but how? Is it possible that I too have a good side, one that can love? No I’m quite sure it’s the devil in me, it’s his will I serve Now there’s no escape for me, Forever I’m doomed to be This desolate, cursed creature of darkness The one who is the personification of sadness A cheater and a hypocrite is what I am I am unworthy of being someone’s friend For all I will ever do is blind them With my masks and my false pretense May be God put me on earth deliberately May be He wanted me to suffer endlessly For the sins I may have committed in my last birth For every single person that I have hurt The reason why I’m feeling this is because of my dirty ways Every time I get close to a girl I feel something else I don’t understand why I must always Misinterpret my feeling of friendship as something else And then I have to reconcile Tell my mind every time That what I am feeling is not love That I have only friendship to give And then each time I do this I lose respect for myself I feel like I’m worthless Why am I so desperate? I now realize one thing All I ever was, am and will be is a lie This is not only the truth It is the only truth. - Abhilash Ram - - 11:59 hrs, Monday, January 15, 2007 -
Separation has brought me to a place far from friends. But the human mind is a real marveling piece of work. God is a genius for having created it. Ever so easily it adapts to changing environments. I was so sad at being torn away from where my heart lay…. And yet today I can confidently say that that has not left me hurt for long. Loss is a very complicated thing. And the human mind handles it so dexterously that nothing can be more amazing. There may be many kinds of loss but loss of near and dear ones is the worst kind. At this juncture the mind looks for something to fill the void with. It yearns to belong. Sad to say that my mind has not yet been successful in finding that replacement… and I’m suite sure it cannot for the simple fact that this time the void was created by very, very (and a million more very(s)) unique people. But I guess my character will make up for what my mind can’t do. Being a very outgoing and friendly person I am always friends with everyone I see. So there is not going to be any problem making friends and taking my mind of the sadness. But how long can I surround myself with people. There will definitely come a time when I will have no choice but to stare solitude in the eye and at that time I do not know what will become of me. I finished training successfully. That’s bitter sweet because that’s the reason for which I have been posted and put into production but it is also the reason why I must go away. That is also the reason why I feel all this desperation, all this sadness, loneliness, this pain. But I guess life must go on rather the show must go on!! I tread the path that lay before me deliberately because I know of no other path. Given a chance to go to my friends I would grab it the way a grizzly grabs its prey!!
The time has come for me to say good bye to those who are nearest to my heart and to those not so near to my heart. Aishu has been posted at Bangalore and Amith at Mangalore. At east they are in the same state. I on the other hand have been tossed to Trivandrum. It is not the fear of going to a new place with new people rather it is the fear of being separated from these two people who have come to mean so much to me in such a short span of time. Aishu in particular is some one who has grown so close to me that it baffles me, someone for whom I care so much. I can’t bear to see that something is bothering her. I’ve been around to take care of her for these 3 months. I guess I’ll just have to resign myself to the fact that someone else will have take over those reins that I used to once hold. Amith is the big baby, the poor guy is ever sick (6ft 2in of sickness). Well built but with a small problem. And that results in pain, unbearable pain. Seeing him hide his pain reminds me of my father. He too tries to hide his pain and suffering from me just as unsuccessfully as Amith does. He too needs someone to take care of him. The poor guy I’ve kind of neglected him from the start. I hope God forgives me for those things that I’ve done. Separating from them to walk my own tread is something that scares me. For, I have been with them all through these 3 months and they have been with me all thru this time. To suddenly walk alone means to feel a void that is very uncomfortable. The pain that I will feel is something that I won’t be able to describe. Tears will flow, hearts will break and sadness will prevail for a long time to come. But time will mend the hearts and the tears will dry at last new friends will come my way but that won’t happen today new friends will come my way But won’t be able to fill the void That you’ve left inside.. Not just these two people, there’s my saviour Abhinav Gangwar. Literally GOD in certain ways. Programming seems to be child’s play to him. He seems to be able to wrap hid head around anything that has got to do anything with programming!! A genius in the truest sense!! I will miss him, his pranks, his jokes, mischief, and genius. So many times he has helped me get out of tuff programming situations!! His ways with the computer will be missed!! My dad keeps telling me that parting is part of life and that I must not get too attached to people, otherwise I will hurt like I am doing now! But is it really that easy to not be attached to someone?? I don’t think so!! So I guess I’ll be on my way now!! Hurting like my dad told me I would………..
I’m very sorry I’m hurting you this way But this to you I must say For if I don’t I would be doing The very same wrong for which I’m atoning I don’t deserve the friendship of A person as good as you are I am not the right kind of company I’m not fit to be the friend of any human being I’m the worst kind of friend you can have The kind that no one should ever have I hate to look at myself in the mirror I’m that kind that no one on the earth deserves For the kind of things I’ve said and done I should burn in hell, not go to heaven I hope justice will prevail in the end When I’m dead and gone I’ve cheated you so much and yet you believe Each word I say is a lie and yet you trust in me You deserve so much more and I know that you know so So I must let you go And I will do just that, but before I do so I must say these few words more I’ve lied to you for far too long I know that I’ve done wrong So I’m going to make up for my mistakes Say I’m sorry and just walk away This must be hurting you but you must know None of this is your fault, you’ve done nothing wrong I’m the one to blame here I hope you understand my dear. I won’t lie to you anymore This I promise you for sure I will not cheat you ever again For you are just too innocent And to cheat you would be a great sin The likes of which cannot be forgiven. Take care and good bye Hope you live a lovely life With no one to cheat you With no one to lie to you With no one like me to hurt you With someone who deserves you
 Well those set of questions I was talking about in my last blog…. They literally have taken things to a whole new level with this concept of memory testing!! It has come down to the point that 50 multiple choice questions are gonna decide my life’s future!! Well as far as my test is concerned I did miserably well!! Didn’t expect the test to be quite as tuff as it was!! And it now feels like hard work doesn’t really pay!! I know I cudhave done a lot more hard work than I had but still the amt of work I had done isn’t worth failure!! A scrape thru cud have been more than enuf!! But no!! I had to fail!! I felt bloody pissed off!! Wanted to punch something!! But I guess that doesn’t work with me cuz I ended up writing abt it!! J this seems to be the only other way ( other than punching a wall or something ) that seems to help me vent my anger!! I’m alright now!! Talked to aishu, amith, amma (mom) and dad and all of them gave me ideas on how to deal with the situation and I’m glad that I did talk to them!! It helped!! Lets see what happens next…. Well, gotta go now!! A movie - “The Italian Job” beckons!!
 Its that time of my life when a set of multiple choice questions decide whether I am worthy of continuing to work or not!! Life can be so cruel sometimes!! I detest the concept of examination for the simple fact that today’s examinations are strictly memory-centric. There is very little scope for anyone to show one’s talent. Coming to the point of talent, I’m forced to detest today’s academic system also. Why is there no scope for students to pursue their talents in schools? Students should have the opportunity to explore their talents and if possible make a living out of those talents!! The situation has come to such an position that talent is strictly talent and nothing more. It is not an option for a profession. I say, if x has a talent for music, then x should probably concentrate on his/her music, get better at it and make a life out of it!! In all probability X will go on to become great at what he/she does!! Not all can be an engineer or doctor and those aren’t the only professions in the world!! The world throws so many other options at you and yet engineering or medicine seems to be the only ones that are visible? This is gross negligence, short sightedness and ignorance on our part which leads to the world having hoards of people who are in the same profession but have no work, hoards of people who are engineers but who’s have loved to be architects, hoards of doctors who’s have loved to be chefs and businessmen…. The list of woes of such people is never ending!! This is the pitiable state of our people!! And that brings me back to my first statement “I hate examinations”! I said that because I have one today and its scaring the shit out of me!! I don’t understand how a memory test qualifies me to sit where I am!! But I guess that’s how today’s world is and I guess as long as I live in it I gotta play by its rules!! So gotta rush now!! A set of questions await my answers!!
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